Using Boundaries at Work
The image illustrates happiness at work with the bubble representing work boundaries. Creating with Dall-e takes several tries/prompts but I love being able to render an image for a concept without a camera, models, or hours on an image editor.
At work do you often feel stressed, anxious, or resentful, maybe even harassed? Or are you a manager and you feel burned out with the responsibility of managing your team? Chances are that establishing and managing boundaries will improve the quality of your existence with work.
I leveraged Dall-e to create an illustration of boundaries. The left-panel provides an exaggerated view of an elevator where physical boundaries come under pressure which contrasts with the image on the right of a boundary manifested as a bubble, allowing a person to be able to function with more joy and openness. Boundaries at work are not just physical. The additional work-related boundaries are emotional, time, and scope. I will define these with examples in the upcoming sections.
Boundaries are a complex topic. As a whole person coach®, I explore all facets of life with my clients which bear on how we show up at work. Boundaries have their bearing in the needs and mindsets we developed early on in life and then carry them into adulthood. Further, cultural norms also dictate boundaries (e.g. specific cultures find individuation to be “selfish”). Consequently globalization and global workplaces complexify boundaries. Example: Strangers in India feel comfortable discussing salary, job titles, bonuses but their personal lives (i.e. troubles at home) are off-limits. In America, discussing personal issues about kids and spouses is fair game, but actual income is held tightly.
I highlight the complexity of boundaries because it is deserving of more than this one article and introspection on why you might carry a behavior into work. This article will prime you with key steps and a framework from which you can build upon with additional resources or leveraging individual coaching support.
Here is what we will cover:
What is a boundary?
Establishing/Setting a boundary
Honoring a boundary
Thriving with boundaries
What is a boundary?
A boundary is a type of an expectation arising from the rules and limits we place on our interactions in relationships with others. At work, this includes our managers, co-workers, employees, customers, and other stakeholders and leaders. However, unlike an achievement oriented expectation that I wrote about in Workplace Expectations, a boundary is generally guided by prevailing workplace cultural norms along with personal considerations that are unique to us.
Example 1: A key stakeholder invites Amy to an after-work party, Amy’s personal commitments might inform her to politely decline, but she finds herself saying yes. Amy stops by to meet the obligation, finally rushing out to meet the personal commitment. She is stressed with all the rushing and wonders if she showed up poorly to the party she should have declined.
Example 2: Rob shows up to work, puts in his 9-5PM and leaves. He barely engages with everyone, and is known to be dry and cynical. He doesn’t enjoy his time at work but gets through the day somehow.
Amy’s example is typical of what is called a “porous” boundary. She has a hard time saying no. While this is likely an occurrence in her personal life, work is an easier place to rationalize the “yes.” After all she is the main breadwinner and career comes first!
Rob on the other hand has a “rigid” boundary. If he is thriving for himself with that boundary, then more power to him. However, more often than not, a rigid boundary is a way to “accept” or “survive” a situation than to thrive. Rob’s manager and co-workers will not feel comfortable asking Rob for help. He might feel excluded and not asked.
A healthy boundary allows for development of productive relationships at work and sets up individuals and managers for success. Let’s take a look at the common boundaries needed at work. In the following sections we will delve into setting, honoring, and thriving with boundaries.
Professional Boundaries: Most readers of this article have gone through education and experiences that inform a professional conduct. A big majority of you are in organizations where HR has defined boundaries that inform daily interactions. These boundaries are generally standardized as a code of conduct regardless of the personal and cultural exposure during upbringing. For instance, putting up a lewd screensaver visible to co-workers is a boundary violation with consequences.
However, even professional boundaries get fuzzy.
Examples: Asking an employee out for a date, sharing intimate details about your weekend escapades, or reaching out to hug a co-worker?
Setting and honoring boundaries allows us to clarify and not run afoul of others’ limits.
Time Boundaries: This is the most common violation that is encountered and it is prevalent in driven environments like Silicon Valley. Here are examples:
a) Your boss routinely calls you on a Friday, asking for a deliverable by early in the week. They inform that they are available during the weekend for review/feedback. You realize this is just another ask for weekend work. However, you feel inclined to comply because a refusal could impact your career, besides your boss is turning to you for help so who knows - this could eventually boost your career.
b) A key internal stakeholder asks for your presence at a meeting while you will be on vacation. They contribute to your performance review and you are concerned about getting negative feedback.
Juggling time especially during early/mid life and career formation years is challenging. Expectations are rising at work but at the same time you are planning or already raising a family. Not to mention you might be in the process of getting in additional education/training in the evenings. Setting and communicating time boundaries will allow you to maximize all that life and career have to offer in line with your life’s priorities.
Scope Boundaries: Somewhat similar to time boundaries, scope boundaries are violated when you feel you have been asked to do more but without the recognition and/or reward that you stepped up. Here are examples:
a) Your boss wants you to take on generating an additional report which your co-worker used to create but recently left the org. It is presented to you as a “should be anyway part of your role” type of offer and what a great opportunity to take on more. You do not see a way to say “no”.
b) Unbeknownst to you, your co-worker has a presentation coming up to a leader. At the last minute you receive an invitation to include two slides into the presentation. If you do not provide the two slides, they will show up as missing in the presentation to the leader. This happens routinely to you with this co-worker.
Emotional Boundaries: Organizations are amazing venues that bring people of diverse upbringing together, requiring them to interact and get things done collectively. With limited standardized training or social contracts on constructive engagements, work is full of slights and manipulations to “influence” behavior. Here are a few real-life examples:
a) You are new to the team. A co-worker who feels threatened by your qualifications, belittles you in broad settings. They use phrases like: “This is a difficult topic and requires a deep technical background, it will be a steep hill to understand.” In an effort to raise their profile, they are transgressing into judging your qualifications in a broad setting and their intentions are questionable.
b) You are a manager and one of your long-term employees has lately not been performing. You are afraid to confront them since you have also become friends and when you do, they say: “Get off my back, I have done so much for you. Are you going to backstab me in the performance review?” You feel terrible and come away conflicted between loyalty to a friend or delivering to your role.
c) Your manager asks you for a deliverable over the weekend, and when you indicate you have other commitments, they say, “Fine. I will ask Jim (another co-worker) and actually why don’t we move this workstream to Jim.” Jim has been looking to undercut you for a while anyway and you come away feeling like this was one more nail in the coffin.
Establishing a boundary
The cornerstone of boundaries is self-awareness of your likes, dislikes, and life’s priorities. Here are two very simple exercises that anyone can do:
How quickly can you express three things that you like and three that you dislike? Can you list your life’s top priorities for today?
Pick 1 - 2 close loved ones and ask them the same question for you i.e. can they identify the three things you like, dislike and do they know your life’s priorities?
On (1) if you draw a blank or find yourself stumbling through it for a while, it is possible that you have attempted pleasing others for so long that your needs and wants have been discounted in the process. Working on getting to your likes and dislikes and your priorities is critical to long-term motivation and satisfaction. On (2) if your loved ones have a hard time coming up with a list for you or the lists differ widely, it is an indication that you can communicate better. With that, here are a few steps to establishing boundaries:
Step 1: Express your likes and dislikes and your priorities to yourself and to others.
Being proactive and letting it be known what you like/dislike and how you prioritize are important tools for allowing others to work with you. For many of you, this will not be easy. It is a step in being more authentic and becoming vulnerable. You might wonder if you will be seen as a narcissist. The latter is easily avoided, find ways to learn others likes and dislikes in addition to yours and make it a fun two-way street.
Step 2: When faced with a violation, assert the boundary.
Asserting a boundary is challenging if you do not have experience doing so. Asserting a boundary is stating politely but directly on where you will not go. There is no need to apologize for asserting a boundary. However, while some boundaries can be asserted with a direct “no”, others take some finesse. Let’s replay our examples from the section above:
Your boss routinely calls you on a Friday, asking for a deliverable by early in the week. They inform that they are available during the weekend for review/feedback. You realize this is just another ask for weekend work. However, you feel inclined to comply because a refusal could impact your career, besides your boss is turning to you for help so who knows - this could eventually boost your career.
Example Response: My weekends are getting full with other activities. How about I pick this up first thing on Monday? At that time I can let you know if I can still get it done early in the week and if anything else needs to be re-prioritized.
Your boss wants you to take on generating an additional report which your co-worker used to create but recently left the org. It is presented to you as a “should be anyway part of your role” type of offer. You do not see a way to say “no”.
Example Response: I appreciate the opportunity but my plate is full. I can suggest what I can drop to take this on and getting your help with prioritization will be great. Let me know if you already have thoughts on prioritization.
Unbeknownst to you, your co-worker has a presentation coming up to a leader. At the last minute you receive an invitation to include two slides into the presentation. If you do not provide the two slides, they will show up as missing in the presentation to the leader. This happens routinely to you with this co-worker.
Example Response: This is late notice. I will not be able to provide the slides. If you give me more notice in the future or are able to shift the meeting, I will be happy to provide these.
You are a manager and one of your long-term employees has lately not been performing. You are afraid to confront them since you have also become friends and when you do, they say: “Get off my back, I have done so much for you. Are you going to backstab me in the performance review?” You feel terrible and come away conflicted between loyalty to a friend or delivering to your role.
Example Response: I do not appreciate the words and the accusation of backstabbing. Discussing and addressing performance is one of my main responsibilities in our relationship. I will find time for us to discuss how you can turn around your performance and where I can help.
Step 3: Sit with your feelings and follow through.
For those unused to asserting boundaries, you will likely experience fear and/or guilt. You might replay, “Did I say the right thing?” Assertive language stating your boundary is always right. You might fear consequences. However the likely outcome of asserting boundaries is that others know how to work best with you. Similarly you might experience guilt. As a high-performer and a team-player you feel you let a boss, co-worker, or yourself down. The flip side is that for all the times your boundary was porous, you ended up being resentful and maybe angry. Feelings eventually subside, the likely outcome is that once your guilt subsides and the others rise to respect your boundary, you might feel grateful. Genuine gratefulness is one of the best ways to show up at work and life.
For your boundary assertion to be taken seriously, you need to follow through on the action. For instance, if you promised a discussion on performance, schedule the meeting. If you said that you cannot provide the slides, do not provide them. You turned down the routine weekend work, unless you negotiate a different agreement, stick with it.
Follow-through and consistency makes it obvious to others that you respect your boundaries and they will stop attempting to brush your boundaries aside. It is possible that the first time you make the assertion, others will try to negotiate or inquire for details. They are genuinely surprised and taken aback and trying to understand what it means for them. For example: “Is everything ok, What changed on the weekends?” Current workplace convention allows you to politely not offer additional details - you can simply say, “I am not comfortable discussing that.”
Honoring a boundary
Honoring boundaries includes both your own boundaries and the boundaries of others. While it sounds obvious, it can be jarring for a manager to receive a boundary from someone and especially if the boundary is new. It might sound like a “no” and most driven and successful Leaders are used to getting to a “yes.” If you are receiving a boundary from someone, your role is to acknowledge that you have heard them. This is not the time to negotiate. Depending on the circumstance some boundaries, especially physical boundaries, are not negotiable. For a manager or a Leader, the right way to expand scope or require more time from an employee are part of expectation setting and a crucial conversation which I cover in another article.
Here are two scenarios to illustrate:
Handling the assertion of a new boundary: Jim is used to Manik going above and beyond. He has put in long nights and weekends to get things done. However, lately Manik has been doing less of that. Then in a 1-on-1, he comes and lets you know that he cannot work weekends in the foreseeable future. For most managers, at this point the first reaction would be panic and how they will handle the overflow which Manik was handling. Unless work expectations were originally defined with weekend work, Jim’s response needs to honor the boundary. A response would acknowledge that he heard him. As needed, rather than pushing/negotiating the boundary, Jim can engage in getting thoughts from Manik on what Manik believes will not get done and getting his input on prioritization and options to resolve. Manik himself while staying true to the boundary can be constructive with input on how Jim can best manage and still continue to be a good ally to Jim.
A boundary that impedes the defined expectations of a job: An underlying assumption in all the boundary scenarios so far is that the boundaries still met the formally defined expectations of the job. In the event, the boundary actually redefines job expectations, the manager can state that they do not see how the employee will meet the expectations of the role. The resolution lies with the manager and the organization they work within - they can redefine the job expectations, turn down the request, or offer accommodations assuming they are able to. Managers are not required to absorb all requests, simply ones that fall within reasonable expectations of a role or are supported by guidelines and precedence. I often coach employees that they cannot make their problems, their manager’s unless it is within the purview of their role.
Thriving with boundaries
Some of the best Leaders excel in boundary setting. In fact, sustaining effective Leadership is only possible with setting boundaries that allow executing the priorities for the day. Leaders thrive with boundaries. At their core is the creation of trusting relationships which serve as expectation contracts they can depend upon. We are all gifted with the same overall time boundary of 24 hours. Delegation allows us to increase the scope of what we accomplish within that time.
For each team member or Leader, developing trust with each other and with co-workers is central to delegation. Boundaries create the operating zone such that each individual feels respected yet their leader knows how far they can encroach. If a manager or leader is constantly guessing, or frequently intruding, the outcome becomes micro-management or an eventual dis-engagement. For instance, if a manager knows that one of their key contributors, Amy, is out of pocket after 6PM, they can manage their or others' expectations on when something dependent on Amy can be done. With good boundaries that are respected, Amy is a grateful employee. Let’s take the scenario where Amy is not good about asserting boundaries and gets called routinely after 6PM when she is tending to a young daughter she has just picked up from Daycare. I doubt if Amy would be feeling grateful and the next time a recruiter calls, she will be delighted to take the call.
Let’s return to our example early in the article of Rob with the rigid boundaries. Assuming he meets his current job expectations, his managers will cut him a wide berth. By setting a rigid boundary Rob has put himself outside the zone of where the team can engage with him broadly. That could be a satisfactory setup but if Rob wants to grow, he will need to step up and have the discussion on being afforded more opportunities.
Good fences create good neighbors, good boundaries create good working relationships. Like tennis doubles partners, managers and employees boundaries create coordination on who is picking up the ball.
Resources:
Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab: https://a.co/d/8joXWSV. This is a bestselling book on boundaries and also has a chapter on work boundaries.
Boundaries: When to say yes and how to say no to take control of your life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend: https://a.co/d/eKMHGSX. This book borrows heavily from the Bible to work through boundary concepts and practices.
Boundary Theory and Work-Family Border Theory: This is a summary of research on how there are multiple approaches allowing permeability between work and life.
Positive Psychology: How to set healthy boundaries and build relationships
